There is nothing worse than living a life that is not true to who you are. Yesterday, I spoke with a friend whom I both cherish and admire about the angst I have been feeling. This is a woman that gets up to see the beauty of a sunrise while doing yoga on a lake and who ends up reflooring her home gym because, she doesn’t like the way it looks, before sundown. She has made it her mission to live the life that SHE wants to live, not the life that others thinks she should be living. Not her children, not her spouse, not her friends, not her family, not her community, No One. How can you not admire that? She said something to me yesterday that really struck a chord with how I have not been living a life thats true to who I am… she said “no one wants to discuss what is really going on with them or how their life is really going because it would shatter the illusion that everything is perfect”. Damn. When did perfection become the goal of life and when did I allow it to become the goal of mine?
Don’t get me wrong, perfectly mowed grass lines, photo galleries that are perfectly level, well balanced architecture, striped shirts…these all make my little type A heart do flips. But what she is talking about is the perfection of not having a bad day, not having feelings, not going through a rough patch, not having it all together and most importantly not leaning on others when any of this happens. This last part is what is currently baffling me. I am an outward processor (also a phrase that my admiring friend uses) that cannot hold feelings down or move on to another situation without figuring out what is going on. This is usually where a good group of friends come in. You talk, you drink, you sympathize, you eat and maybe you drink a little more but when all is said and done you feel better. Your cup is full and you are ready to take on another day. For the first time in my life, I thought I had found a small tribe that I would be able to do this with. Turns out, they don’t want to shatter the illusion of perfection and good times. Damn again. While I am a little heart broken by this, a lesson has been learned, perfection is not my goal. I have come to realize that I was trying to live a life to fit in with others and that is just simply not who I am. The imperfections of deep conversations, heart to heart connections, quiet stillness, loud clambering children, long walks outdoors, laughter over drinks, gathering around food, crying in comforting arms and lazy days in the rain are what I am after. None of this can be forced or planned it just simply, happens. I am ready to live MY life the way that I want to live it and to hell with the illusion of perfection being shattered. Life is messy but to me, that’s what makes it worth living.